june 3rd

its about to be june fourth. and im talking hours. the day i lost the love of my life and i feel like ive lived about 6 different timelines since she's left me. and maybe thats exactly what it is. we;re jumping timelines and she jumped out. im still jumping. i dont know what im looking for but im hoping for different. and it is every single time. there are days where i wake up and i reminisce all day long. i think of different phases of my life and what i enjoyed at the time. and there are days where everything i do and every thought i have is like the very first time. i think i like those days best. im grateful for living so much life before now, even if i cant remember most of it. or dont wish to. thinking of myself is painful. theres so many, not regrets, but wishes. i did the best i could for who i was. what i had, what id known. ive grown so much and she turned into this human today, hello. im still that singing kid in the basement who loved aim. im very much that awkward brace face who wanted to be normal. who wanted to be pretty. im still that 18 year old who started smoking and wanted to be loved. im that 20 year who discovered pot and a bad friend group that seemed so welcoming. im that 22 year old who wanted to be accepted so bad she neglected every one including herself. that 24 year old who wanted to move on but kept going back. im still holding so much of myself, while ignoring her. she is still with me. Lola is still with me.